oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He shit in the fireplace
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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