if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I look better un-naked...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
