Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
