You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
