imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
