I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
