i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
