that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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