What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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