Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
