i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
