First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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