He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
