I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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