i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
