i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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