I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Cover your peen. We're going out.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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