The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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