mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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