i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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