Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
