I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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