i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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