When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
