You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
