Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
