He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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