I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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