I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
