Capitaan dildo arrescate!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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