Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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