I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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