Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
