I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
