"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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