Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
