i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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