Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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