Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You smell like stripper and shame
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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