I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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