Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
