dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
