i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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