i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
