Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We smell like vodka and hangover
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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