i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
