You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
