Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
