the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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