don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
