Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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