Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
barbara walters just said penis...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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