I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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