Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
