You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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