im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
