We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
