So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
